“You’re a very nice person, but you would be a burden in a relationship. You can’t expect your boyfriend to be a full-time carer”. This was one comment I received on a dating app in 2018. It was utterly soul destroying, and it’s haunted me ever since.
Being disabled, I rely on technology a lot to talk to people. It’s slightly easier to approach people and start conversations and I don’t have to worry about going anywhere until the time calls for me to do so.
Because of this, I’ve used dating apps from time to time to potentially find my Prince Charming. And while I’ve had a couple of friendly conversations, they were few and far between. Mostly, I’ve been either ignored, sent spam from bots or sent unsolicited naked pictures.
Admittedly, all of these conversations were started by other people, so the solution should be easy: that I start the conversation. Sadly, that’s hard for me to do.
Due to a past that I'm uncomfortable going in to now, I am a very introverted person. I am comfortable enough to go out and do things, talk to cashiers in shops and banks, and screaming into the void (or talking about things that I’m passionate about) on social media. But if I’m out of my comfort zone, if I’m put in a crowded situation or if I see a guy that I feel attracted to offline or online, I freeze up and hide myself in a corner. Or, if it’s an online conversation, I close the app or website and do something else to stop myself overthinking a potentially bad situation. I’ll play a video game or watch anything on TV instead.
This isn’t to say that I haven’t had relationships in the past, but they’ve all been awful and only made my mental health worse.
There were two guys in late 2015 that I had separate relationships with. We met at a gay, bi and trans men’s social group that took place in Hanley before it was cancelled in 2019. At the time, I was fairly new to the group as I’d only been out as a gay man for a few months. It was only because of my (now) best friend, whom I’d also met at the group, that I discovered that they were taking advantage of me for my money. I was just grateful that I had a friend who was looking out for me before things got worse.
I had arranged a “date” with a guy in July 2017. We’d been talking on a dating app for a few days and we’d arranged to meet in a pub in Stoke town centre. I was waiting at the pub for three hours, but he never showed up and never explained the no show. It was so demoralising and humiliating, but the lack of response was even worse. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me personally as well as physically.
In 2018, I met someone online. He seemed like a nice guy and I thought things were going well. Then I discovered that he’d removed me from all the social media accounts he’d added me on with no explanation. This one almost destroyed me mentally as he made me think that I was the one who had said, or did, something wrong. He did explain himself after I’d found an account he hadn’t blocked me on and I asked him about it. But I can’t remember what his reasoning was as I was too angry and upset to fully absorb what he was saying.
I haven’t been on a date since. As much as I want to believe advice from friends that there’s someone out there for me, my mind constantly overrides that support by reminding me of the hurt that I’ve gone through over the years. I constantly go back to that one comment, saying that I’m a burden. And I end up feeling awful about myself.
My body isn’t one that you’ll see in magazines or on modelling stages. My disability has bent and morphed my skeleton in unusual ways (my right arm folds back on itself and my chest sticks out) and I have colostomy bags covering most of my upper body due to bowel surgery I had in 2002. And I know that my life is more difficult to navigate than most. I need help getting dressed, getting cleaned, getting food and drink, getting in and out of my wheelchair. And my introversion makes it difficult to start conversations, or reply to messages online. But that doesn’t mean that I’m incapable of creating emotional connections.
I wouldn’t want someone to date me out of sympathy. I just want a guy who’s willing to communicate and be patient enough to discover my strengths and weaknesses. I would want to know if there’s a chance of something serious from the get go, rather than talking for days and weeks, raising my hopes, only to rip my heart out once a connection had been made.
Because of this, I’ve used dating apps from time to time to potentially find my Prince Charming. And while I’ve had a couple of friendly conversations, they were few and far between. Mostly, I’ve been either ignored, sent spam from bots or sent unsolicited naked pictures.
Admittedly, all of these conversations were started by other people, so the solution should be easy: that I start the conversation. Sadly, that’s hard for me to do.
This isn’t to say that I haven’t had relationships in the past, but they’ve all been awful and only made my mental health worse.
There were two guys in late 2015 that I had separate relationships with. We met at a gay, bi and trans men’s social group that took place in Hanley before it was cancelled in 2019. At the time, I was fairly new to the group as I’d only been out as a gay man for a few months. It was only because of my (now) best friend, whom I’d also met at the group, that I discovered that they were taking advantage of me for my money. I was just grateful that I had a friend who was looking out for me before things got worse.
I had arranged a “date” with a guy in July 2017. We’d been talking on a dating app for a few days and we’d arranged to meet in a pub in Stoke town centre. I was waiting at the pub for three hours, but he never showed up and never explained the no show. It was so demoralising and humiliating, but the lack of response was even worse. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me personally as well as physically.
In 2018, I met someone online. He seemed like a nice guy and I thought things were going well. Then I discovered that he’d removed me from all the social media accounts he’d added me on with no explanation. This one almost destroyed me mentally as he made me think that I was the one who had said, or did, something wrong. He did explain himself after I’d found an account he hadn’t blocked me on and I asked him about it. But I can’t remember what his reasoning was as I was too angry and upset to fully absorb what he was saying.
I haven’t been on a date since. As much as I want to believe advice from friends that there’s someone out there for me, my mind constantly overrides that support by reminding me of the hurt that I’ve gone through over the years. I constantly go back to that one comment, saying that I’m a burden. And I end up feeling awful about myself.
I wouldn’t want someone to date me out of sympathy. I just want a guy who’s willing to communicate and be patient enough to discover my strengths and weaknesses. I would want to know if there’s a chance of something serious from the get go, rather than talking for days and weeks, raising my hopes, only to rip my heart out once a connection had been made.
You are a wonderful person, and the right person will see the amazing person you are. keep being you and the right guy will be lucky to call YOU his boyfriend.
ReplyDeleteHi Chris, Just read your blog, honest no holding back. I am that old gezzer from Wednesday nights. I hope you have a good time in Manchester, I have just come back, last night, from a naked swim up there. Have you heard of the Calvert Trust? I was chatting to a bloke who runs activities and mentioned your article in the Metro. He seemed to suggest it was the person's duty to supply the hoist, I disagreed with him and suggested that places could provide them at little extra cost and that would make them more accessible.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I find this blogging really interesting, this is the first blog comment I have ever made.
See you soon and stay safe, John (sometimes known as windy)
Please accept my apologies if I have said something inappropriate, I am new to this form of communicaiton.
Hi John. Apologies for just replying, I pushed it to the back of my mind once I shared it so I didn’t check the comments. But Manchester was great, and I’m going back for a night next Monday.
DeleteThe problem with the “personal responsibility” argument is that disabled people can’t afford a portable hoist. https://www.google.com/search?q=portable+hoist&rlz=1CDGOYI_enGB952GB952&oq=portab&aqs=chrome.2.69i57j35i39l2j0i433i512l2j0i512.3216j0j7&hl=en-GB&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8 They cost hundreds of pounds to buy which, combined with the regular costs of living, is completely out of the question. Besides which, even if every disabled person has one, trying to drag one around to a hotel room is a nightmare due to the size and the weight. And we still have to take all the regular stuff with us as well.
If hotels want as much custom as they can possibly get, the onus is on them to make sure every single customer can use all of their facilities. If a customer can’t use their beds, they’ve failed in that responsibility. It shouldn’t be on disabled people to pick up their slack.